


The Hairy-Handed Gentlemen Who Run Amuck in Wellington

by darthjamtart



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 15:29:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5461652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darthjamtart/pseuds/darthjamtart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some additional footage was filmed as a follow-up to the original documentary. This segment focuses on how Stu is settling into life as a werewolf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hairy-Handed Gentlemen Who Run Amuck in Wellington

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sarren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarren/gifts).



> Apologies to Warren Zevon for the title.
> 
> Happy Yuletide, Sarren! Thanks for the fun prompts!

ANTON  
We’d actually been approached before, you know. Some sort of wildlife preservation organization.

ANTON scratches the back of his neck, glancing away from the camera. Pan left to DION, who is staring at his shoes.

DION  
It’s not like it was intentional.

Zoom out to include the entire pack in the frame. STU is standing next to ANTON. DECLAN is glaring at NATHAN G, who is staring at something off-frame. Pan over to follow his gaze: it’s a possum. Pan back to the werewolves. MATT is chewing on a sneaker.

ANTON  
Matt, drop the shoe.

MATT makes a whining noise, but obeys.

ANTON (cont’d)  
This was before Stu joined the pack, of course.

STU  
Yeah, I wasn’t a werewolf yet.

STU smiles slightly. Cut to DION.

DION  
It’s just instinct, you know? Running, chasing, howling, all of it. Sometimes you just get that urge to bury something where no one will find it.

Cut to a long-distance shot of a wolf (partially obstructed by trees), scrabbling in the dirt.

DION, cont’d  
We bury all sorts of things, right? Nathan buried a possum once.

Cut to NATHAN G

NATHAN G  
Oh, I love possums, mate. Nothing better than chasing a nice, fat possum!

Cut to DION

DION  
You don’t think much of it, right, if there’s some bones around. There’s always bones. Good for chewing on.

Cut to ANTON

ANTON  
Of course, we do our best. Try to be upstanding members of the community, and all that.

ANTON leans forward, brow furrowing.

ANTON, cont’d  
Look, I was real sorry about that member of their crew, all right? It’s just hard, when we see something running, not to, well. Chase it.

Cut to DION

DION  
I didn’t know it was the cameraman.

The frame wobbles slightly. Off-screen, someone hisses “Jesus, Chad, get your shit together! Didn’t you read the waiver?”

DION, cont’d  
I feel really bad about it, honest!

Cut to STU

STU  
Things are a bit different now, sure.

Off-screen, murmuring.

STU, cont’t  
How? Oh, you know. I’ve had to start taking some vitamin supplements.

Cut to DEACON, who is lounging in a chair.

DEACON  
Now, as you know, Stu is a vegetarian. And if he’d been turned into a vampire, he would not have been able to maintain that sort of lifestyle.

Cut to VIAGO and KATHERINE. VIAGO is holding up a passed-out man in his forties while KATHERINE leans toward his neck. KATHERINE pauses, looking toward the camera.

KATHERINE  
It seems somewhat rude to me, to film a woman while she’s eating.

VIAGO  
Isn’t she refined?

KATHERINE turns her back to the camera. There is a brief burst of bloodspray. Cut to ANTON

ANTON  
We’re an endangered species, after all. You heard about the pack outta Auckland, right?

Off-screen, there’s a mournful howl, abruptly choked off.

ANTON, cont’d  
That was Nathan M’s old pack. He’s the only survivor. Hunters, you know? Can’t be too careful. I mean, it’s not _why_ we try to be, you know, upstanding citizens.

Off-screen, someone yells, “Werewolves not swearwolves!” ANTON nods approvingly.

ANTON, cont’d  
That’s right. We want to have a positive impact on the community.

ANTON pauses, looks down, then off to the side.

ANTON, cont’d  
Or, I guess, at least a bit less carnage.

Cut to STU

STU  
How do I feel about it? Oh, I don’t know. I never really played much sport, before, and now I can go out with the lads, chase a frisbee.

Cut to DEACON, who is knitting.

DEACON  
I throw the frisbee. For Stu. Sometimes those other stupid wolves, they chase it. Stu doesn’t mind, because he is too nice.

Cut to ANTON

ANTON  
The Auckland pack was five-time Ultimate champions, did you know that?

ANTON leans forward.

ANTON, cont’d  
Hunters talk a lot of shit about how we’re abominations, but they’re some real petty bastards, you know? Sore losers, is what they are.

Cut to DEACON, who is holding his knitting up to the camera.

DEACON  
This is for Stu. See, here, this is a wolf jumping, and here is the frisbee. Stu is the best at catching the frisbee.

Zoom out to include STU in the shot. STU inspects the sweater, then smiles.

STU  
This is great, mate, real nice! Perfect design for a team jersey!

DEACON scowls.

DEACON  
Team...jersey?

STU  
Yeah, for the next Ultimate competition!

DEACON glares at the sweater.

DEACON  
I don’t know if I can finish that many in time.

STU  
Oh, sure, whenever. 

Cut to ANTON

ANTON  
We’ve been talking about competing again. It’s just nice, you know? Good for the pack. Bonding, all that.

Cut to DION, who is holding a whistle.

DION  
This was my idea.

DION blows into the whistle. There is no audible sound.

DION  
Dog whistle, right? This way, we can call plays and the other teams can’t figure out what our calls are.

Zoom out to include ANTON, STU, and DECLAN in the shot.

ANTON  
They’ll never know what hit ‘em.

DECLAN  
Metaphorically.

ANTON  
Right. Ultimate isn’t a contact sport, after all. I mean, sure, sometimes you collide with another player, trying to catch the disc. Is that dangerous? Oh, no, no, the human teams don’t hit that hard. Oh, for the humans?

DECLAN  
No one’s been seriously injured.

DION leans over and whispers something into DECLAN’s ear.

DECLAN, cont’d  
No one’s...died.

ANTON  
We’re very careful.

Cut to a shot of a field, where the entire Wellington pack is gathered.

STU  
Today’s our first match. I think Deacon would have really liked to be here, but…

STU gestures at the sky. It’s bright morning without a cloud in sight.

STU, cont’d  
But look, all the lads are wearing their team jerseys!

Pan across each sweater. Some are a little bedraggled, and one is missing a sleeve. Cut back to STU.

STU, cont’d  
Deacon will finish that one after the match. We’re getting celebratory drinks, later.

ANTON  
Assuming we win.

STU  
Right. Otherwise just regular drinks, I guess.

DION  
We’re gonna win, though.

There’s a raucous chorus of howls from the pack.

ANTON  
All right, lads, let’s go!

The pack runs out onto the field, where the opposing team is waiting with a disc. DION blows his whistle [inaudible], and the opposing team starts to run, spreading across the field. The player with the disc throws it, and DECLAN runs into the opposing player who was about to catch the disc. There’s some shouting from both sides. Cut to DEACON, who is knitting an afghan.

DEACON  
I don’t think it would be embarrassing, to lose to a human team. After all, Stu was human not too long ago, and I’m sure he would have done very well at Ultimate.

Cut to NICK

NICK  
Oh, yeah, I’d be embarrassed just to be seen with him. I mean, sure, he’s my mate and all, but losing to a team of humans? No way.

Cut to ANTON, who has a streak of blood on his cheek.

ANTON  
What? Oh, that’s not my blood. No, no, we won.

Cut to DION

DION  
We would have won. They, uh. They chose to forfeit.

Cut to DECLAN

DECLAN  
It was just a couple broken ribs. And a leg. And an arm. That was it, though. I’ve seen much worse.

Cut to NATHAN M

NATHAN M  
Yeah, there was one match where we ended up with three new werewolves. But that was an outlier.

Cut to ANTON

ANTON  
We played fair and square, today, and I think we can all be proud of ourselves for that. Right, lads?

Pan out to include the entire pack in the shot. MATT is sniffing a dirty sneaker. NATHAN G is tugging at a loose thread on his sweater. STU is smiling. 

**Author's Note:**

> The author is not from New Zealand and will happily correct anything currently ruining the verisimilitude of this fic.


End file.
